Welcome! Thank you for contributing to society by procreating! We hope you are enjoying your little bundle of joy. However, there are some things you need to know.
While the little bugger is sleeping peacefully now, you will find the never ending hell of countless nights with out sleep may lead to "Shaken Baby Syndrome." A baby's constant complaining can also be a major drag on social life. But do not fret! There are a number of solutions to this problem.
1. Sleep aids -"YOU CAN'T GIVE BABIES PILLS!" you may be screaming from your living room. (Which I am sure woke your little nightmare.) You are correct. But mashing them up and mixing them with your babies' milk will work just fine.
Dosage - Two pills will work, but to be safe, use at least six.
If you breastfeed, it will be necessary to get the sleep aid into your blood stream. It will require a much higher dose to show results in your mammary fluid. This dosage can be no less than 20 pills.
2. Pillows -After a while, your baby will develop a resistance to sleeping pills. You will need other plans of action. A simple pillow covering the mouth of the child will greatly reduce the decibel level of it's screaming.
Technique - Firmly press pillow over offspring's face until it goes to sleep. You may now enjoy your evening, while your pride peacefully sleeps. :)
3. Moving child outdoors - This is the simplest of all methods. Simply leave the newborn outside to play.
Safety is a common concern, the child should be safe, but you may wish to take extra precautions. A trash can provides complete protection for any environment. Make sure to leave it close to the road, as to allow neighbors to keep watch over the little one while you are away from the house. Some animals will protect your child. Wolves are very caring and will defend your cub.
You may also want to provide the child with the means to protect itself. Start out with knives. Begin teaching it the basics of switchblade operation, then move toward more advanced stabbing techniques. Guns should not be used because a baby's fingers are not strong enough to pull the trigger.
Follow these suggestions, and your first few months of being a parent will be a breeze.
As your offspring develops, and gains sentience; you will need more advanced techniques of controlling it.
The general idea here is to plan ahead. For example, feeding your child a surplus of sugary drinks and food early in life can cause it to develop diabetes. All that is required is to keep the child supplied with insulin. Withhold insulin when child misbehaves.
Shock collars are a great way to condition children to obey. You can create a "fail-safe word" by screaming that word each time your administer electricity. Causing the child to seizure upon hearing the word, even with no shock collar installed.
Still it is possible for the child to rebel when it reaches adolescence. This will be the only drawback to teaching it to knife fight as a baby. If your offspring decides to stage a violent
coup d'état, remember, you did not teach it to use guns.
Memorize this simple formula so you will know what weapon to choose in this situation.
Bullet speed = speed of knife X 1,000,000You may not wish to dispatch the enemy. I suggest that you do not hesitate, because your child will not. It wants nothing less than your blood. If you really do not want a dead child, rubber bullets are a non-lethal solution.
If you survive, your child should finish developing and go about it's life producing it's own offspring. Congratulations!
